Day 1//Vegan Week

Today wasn't a failure. Well, totally. I did have a vegan day (YES) but I ate way too much. The knowledge that Oreos are vegan is ridiculous. I'm going to cross those off my list forever. I'm glad that I got my fill of them today because that just means I won't want them later. Yay, I guess.

Since I was able to go full on vegan without wavering, tomorrow I'll add in the restriction aspect of my most diabolical plan. I've been doing some thinking and I really don't dislike veganism. It forces me to eat healthier, for one thing, and I do kind of like it. Maybe I'll have mostly vegan days after this week and then a couple of non vegan days shoved in (2 a week.). I think this will give me good practice until the New Year.

Tomorrow is as follows:

Breakfast - Diet Sierra Mist (0 cal)

Lunch - 1 pear (96 cal) + 1 apple cinnamon rice cake (50 cal)

Dinner - 1 cup mushroom (15 cal), 1 cup broccoli (30 cal), 1 cup onion (48 cal), tofu (117 cal)

Total... 356.

Kind of low. I'll allow myself a 120 cal banana if I get hungry after dinner.

Maybe I'm going about this all wrong but I guess we'll know soon enough. I don't want to eat for the sake of eating, which has been my life so far.

soon after; another post?

My problem is that I freak myself out every time I lose weight. I WANT lose weight but every time I approach the 130s, I start binging like crazy and gain weight like I'm some kind of fucked marathon eater.

What is it? Why do I do this?

Is it because I can clearly see grotesque bones on my chest (which, honestly, I love)?

Is it because the closer I get to the 130s, the more people start talking (I have a lot of muscle weight so I look smaller than I weigh but who gives a shit?)?

Clothes? I do hate buying new clothes (unless they're in a smaller size).

Whatever it is, it's done. I'm over it. When New Year comes, I'll be the most hardcore vegan I know (Um, I'll elaborate later). I turn 24 next year, I think it's time. I need to celebrate my birthday (I don't know why I'm mentioning this now) with a low low new weight.

My friends like to feed me but I'm just going to have to start saying no and eating half a portion. Until vegan comes and then I'll refuse everything.

It's awful that I'm using veganism as an excuse not to eat crap but whatever, I can't care anymore.

It's been pretty horrible lately. Well, I've been pretty horrible. The entire month of October was a binging month and remember doesn't seem to be doing any better. However, I managed to control my eating yesterday besides the dinner I promised my friend I'd eat. I know it's possible for me. I just need to do it. And blogging is a chore some times. I know it helps but then I abandon it for weeks or months at a time. But right now, as I type this out, I feel pretty good. Blogging suddenly feel hopeful.

I'm starting a vegan week. From Monday through Friday... Ok, Sunday, I'll be vegan. Mostly to cleanse myself of all the horribleness I've been eating the past month and a half.

Good luck to me?

I also need to do lots of homework. Grad school sucks, just to let you know. But on a positive note (since this whole post is such a drag), it's almost over? I can finally devote a ridiculous amount of time to working out and shrinking my bod! I'll put up a calendar of events soon. To help me organize.

I'm a surprisingly unorganized person for being in library school. Christ.

Sunday is Funday

Things have been pretty decent lately. Apparently heartache helps to lose weight because I've been steadily losing. I've already lost my goal weight for this week but I'll keep going. I mean, I've got to lose as fast as possible before the wedding. But then I think and remember that I'm talking craziness because I still need to look somewhat alright in my bridesmaid dress. I think it'll be ok though. I highly doubt that the dress is going to be hanging off me.

Highlight for this week: I have a friend from Mass. coming to visit! She and I were roommates in my sophomore year of college. Big mistake. I couldn't stand her for that entire year. She doesn't know that, however, and all was well when I ditched her the next year and lived by myself.

At any rate, she's been dieting. After an incident that happened at university which ended with her fleeing the state, she's been gaining weight like insanity. Apparently, the only things her social group in Mass. like to do is eat and drink. She's always known that she was gaining weight but she didn't decide to do anything until recently. She's lost almost 30 pounds in 2 months so far. J, as I'll dub her, as been confiding in me about her diet plan and it's borderline unhealthy. You know how it is. People try to lose weight as fast as they can, knowing that eating less food will help them reach their goal weight.

I'm not saying anything about it, however. She doesn't have an eating disorder. She craves all the unhealthiness that she could have before and apparently, the first thing she wants to do when she sees me is eat. Great. But she chose a steakhouse so I can use my power of vegetarian as an excuse not to chow the fuck down. Also, another issue is that she hasn't seen me in two years. I don't think she realizes how much weight I've actually lost since the last time we've seen each other. This might trigger a competitive edge in her but again, we'll have to see.

Besides that... my eating as been up and down. I'm feeling a little depressed lately so I've been sleeping a lot more now and sleeping through dinner. When I wake up and realize this, I feel happy for a moment until I get depressed at the thought that I have to get at that state in order not to overeat. My parents are worried. They'll randomly come by to see how I'm doing without saying that that's what they're doing. My mom wants to go shopping with me, she asks me how the gym was... it's very surreal.

And again, it makes me depressed that I have to be in this state in order for them to want to do this with me.

Hmm... My goals for this week is to finish my assignments and reading, practice my Japanese, and keep in touch with people.

I broke up with L.

It wasn't because of anything my mother said about him, I guess it was more that the end had been drawing near without me wanting to deal with it. L's a nice guy but he was too desperate to have me. But I think, for him, it was too much work to keep me that he stopped trying to do standard things, even if he wanted to. Why did I have to be the one who worried about what he was going to do for the future when he didn't seem to be making his life move? Why did I have to coach him into doing things and why did I become his personal Google search database? Why couldn't he deal with his life without being so dependent about what I thought about everything?

My mom said it was because I was too smart.

Speaking of her, ever since she found that I was breaking up with him or that I broke up with him, it seems her stance has changed. She keeps moaning about how I "broke his heart" or that "he was soooo nice" or that "You didn't give him a chance." Funny, huh?

I really didn't care about the negative things she said about him before but why, when we're no longer together, did she have to suddenly be his #1 fan? I don't want her to tell me "Good job" or "You're totally awesome!" I want her to tell me that everything is going to be alright and that it wasn't my fault. Better yet, I would rather her say nothing.

Is that too much to ask? Why do I have to feel worse about breaking up with him?

Please, just leave me alone. That's really all I want for now.

some foods can be delicious w/ alfalfa.

I had to go to a jury duty summons today. It was pretty horrid. Basically, they told all 85 of us to come in at 8:30 in the morning but then neglected to tell us that there was already a trial in session in the court room we were supposed to be in. So for about 3 hours, everyone just kinda sat in another room, twiddling our thumbs. I, on the other hand, finished an entire book from start to finish (Still Missing. Worth the read.). So when they finally call us on to the actual court room, we spend another two hours waiting for our names to be called in order for us to be asked irrelevant questions (Ok, so maybe some of them maaaay have been a tad bit relevant for the case...).

I didn't get chosen.

An entire day, wasted...

On the bright side: I got to miss work (with pay!) and read for leisure!

Food intake for the day, cereal w/ milk, almonds, and a 180 calorie cheese, tomato, and alfalfa sprout sandwich. Delicious.

I also worked out for almost 3 hours today because of stress. My body aches. Feels good~

My mom has apparently been feeling guilty. She's been refusing to cook me anything because she claims to not be able to cook anything without meat. Oookay. Cool with me. But she is apparently feeling remorse. I think she's being ridiculous but she bought me a whole jar of kimchi. I guess I have to eat it now. I just have to figure out how to incorporate it as a side to my week of alfalfa sprout meals (it adds an extra kick, kind of like bean sprouts...).

Kimchi goes great with rice but I'm trying to avoid rice. Maybe I'll cave and eat it one day this week. But I have to remember not to overdo it because Friday is beach day (FINALLY!).

Good luck everyone~

Fuck popcorn. Fuck chocolate.

I have a weakness for popcorn.

There was a festival happening in my town on Saturday. I had planned on going but once I saw the dark ominous clouds in the sky, I decided that the festival was going to have to wait. So what did I do? I went to the movies. I had planned on getting no snacks but then the ticket guy slipped me a coupon for 3 bucks off whatever.

You know where this is going...

I bought a large popcorn. I ate the whole thing and purged it.

God. Damn. It.

Well in other news. I only have to lose 1 more pound this weak and I'll make my goal. How did I lose so fast? Beats me. I do know how I gained weight back so fast however. Chocolate. You think you have control but once you give chocolate a chance, it controls you.

Wisdom for the week.

Another pound down

Snacking has lessened a bit but I'm still snacking too much before bed. My new obsessions are almonds and gum. Almonds are good for you but I need to make sure I predetermine how much I'm going to eat before I start eating them. Otherwise, I can't stop myself because they're SO good! Gum on the other hand... I gorge on it. Sure they have like 5-10 calories per stick (depending on what flavor I can get) but I chew 2-3 sticks at once. Horrible. And I can't stand it when the flavor is lost so I keep repeating through the day.

I think I'm going to quit with the gum for a while (although... I have a whole bag of them...).

It's horrible but I've been obsessed (common for me) with my ex's girlfriend. It's weird because I don't go on facebook to look at his page but mostly to look at her page. Because she's trying to lose weight. In the beginning, before they started dating and then during the beginning of their relationship, she was a pretty average weight. Then they moved to Texas and she must have gained like 60-70 pounds.

Now she's trying to lose it and I can't help but watch her progress and compare her weightloss with mine (she likes to update about it extensively). I get into a panic when she posts pictures up that show off her obvious weightloss. I think to myself, "I CAN'T become fatter than her!" And so I double my workouts and eat less.

This isn't a healthy thought process but it's motivation.

I start a pilates class next Wednesday! I hope it's worth the $40 for the intro class.

Good luck guys!

something to say yay about

I think this new way of thinking (day starts @ dinner) is working. According to the scale, I've lost 3 pounds! But this wasn't an easy reading to get. The first reading said I maintained, but then I moved the scale around so that it was level and then it said I lost 3 pounds. I must have weighed myself 10 times and moved the scale constantly before I was content with it's answer. My scale is weird like that. I can't trust it unless I weight myself on it at least 10 times.

There's no telling why thinking that dinner is the beginning of the day works. It does make me eat less.

One thing that still gets me is my constant nighttime snacking. Sure, most of what I ate was fruit but I don't need to be eating so late at night! I think I must have been eating until about 20 minutes before I went to bed. Madness.

Also, I've been working out like a maniac. Except for this morning. I'm sore EVERYWHERE.

Side note - I get the feeling that my mom doesn't want me to continue dating L. She says she likes him but she feels like I could do better. Sure, maybe I could but I don't really feel like breaking up with him to marry a sucessful asshole. Sure, I wish that L would be a little more competent in certain parts of his life but he doesn't make me unhappy. I know that I will never be with anyone else who loves me as much as he does.

Is this a problem?

titles; let's make use of them

I'm feeling oddly optimistic about life. This feel is odder when you realize that it hasn't been even five minutes since the last time I purged. Purging and I have an odd relationship. I don't constantly have the feel to purge after I eat, even if I eat large amount. It just sort of comes at me randomly. Like 6 minutes ago, when I ate some pita chips and red pepper humus and decided that it would be a good idea to get rid of it all.

Despite that, I seem to have purged bad feelings away as well.

I don't know. Let me be weird today.

So there we go. I'm against purging constantly but I'm not against doing it once in a while. Like many people around these parts, I'm a fan of restricting so that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to give myself binge and/or purge days because that leads to failure. I'm going to do my best to avoid it. I really do work best doing things at the spur of the moment so I feel good.

Also, I finished reading Wintergirls and the main character had a rule somewhere in the middle of the book where she gave herself a set number of calories per day but had her days start at dinner. I read that and almost gasped. It seemed brilliant, despite the depressing nature of the book. I must be really messed up if I'm willing to take advice from a rather destructive character.

By the way, I highly recommend Wintergirls. It was a brilliant novel that I found in the teen section of Barnes and Noble.

And now, my goals for the rest of the year:

- 09/18 - Beach trip; -4 lbs 143

- 09/19 - Wedding; -1 lbs 142

- 10/02 - Baby Shower; -1 lb

- 10/15-17 - School trip; -4 lbs

- 10/31 - Halloween; -4 lbs

So I guess I want to lose 14 pounds by Halloween? Nice. Max 500-800 cals per day. Up to 1000 cals on Saturdays OR Sundays. Plan accordingly.

Now I have to fit in work out times, homework times, Japanese study times, class times and I'll be set.

Wish me luck and good luck to you guys!

[EDIT: I'll edit in weights randomly as I go...]

082510

Where to start?

I haven't been doing terribly. I haven't been working at losing either. Instead, I've kind of been hanging out in this limbo phase where I'm maintaining and getting no where. The desire is there but I haven't been pushing myself. My plan was to wake up at 615 or 630 every morning before work and then work out after work for about an hour or so. That obviously hasn't been happening.

BUT!

My boss called me into her office to tell me that she was concerned about me because I was constantly being late for work and she hoped that everything was alright. This translates to 'AUDEN. Get yourself to work ON TIME or else we're going to FIRE your FAT ASS and never look back."

So this will give me motivation to wake up at 615 and start working out. Doing this actually helps me to get to work on time. Seriously, I've been getting up five til whenever I'm supposed to get to work and I've consistently been late to work for the past month. I'm surprised that it took her this long to grill me about it.

I've been in a i-dont-care mood and I'm ready to get out of it. Thanks boss.

So here's the plan...
Breakfast - up to 100 calories (I just bought BOXES of Vitatops (100 cals). They're nutritious and delicious!)
Lunch - up to 200 calories (Mostly yogurt, fruit, maybe half a sandwich)
Dinner - Up to 300 calories (This is where I'll try to have my protein and veggies.)

But seriously, food is interchangeable as long as it fits into the calorie range. If I actually start working out properly, maybe I'll be able to up my intake but we'll see. I'll let Saturday or Sunday be a free day (up to 1000 calories).

Hmm... that's it. Oh! I started school yesterday! So my stress level is pretty much UP. YES!

08032010

I'm back!... since Sunday. And 5 pounds lighter.

I really expect for me to gain again because being at home is one giant temptation balled up into one house. Interestingly, we don't have sweets in the house. We have lots of fruit and salty things and I find myself gorging on them. We also have lots of sweet shops around here. I've already caved and went to one. I did find that I wasn't enjoying myself though.

The only good thing from all of this is that I find that my chocolate obsession has literally vanished.

So things that I need to remember: 1) I have no money. I need to save. No more random food purchases, 2) I need to work out since I can't walk 2 hours a day anymore (which is probably the only reason I lost any weight these last two weeks), 3) I'm a bride's maid in September. Motivation!

My mom's birthday is this Saturday too. My plan is to eat around 500 cals a day until then. Saturday and maybe Sunday will be my free day. I hope not though. I really want to keep restricting on Sunday. However, the boyfriend will be in town that day. I don't think he'll allow me to not eat.

Hmm... That's it. Back to work.

07242010

So...

These past few days have been mixed. I mean, school is great/horrible! I'm meeting some great people and although the work sucks, I'm just glad that it's over by July 31st. That's only, what, a week and I'll be DONE. Until August 23rd, when school starts again. Graduate school sucks people. Don't. Do. It.

Very rewarding though.

Foodwise. Also mixed. I go through most of the day fine and then random moments of insanity overwhelm me. Yogurt and yogurt. And then piles of cookies. That was today.

Good news is that I finished them off and all I have left is yogurt and fruit. I planned a day of bad for the end of the week but I'll bargain with myself. If the rest of the week goes awesomely, I get to choose whether I want to go. Hopefully, my willpower and noticable weightless will make me want to choose not to eat there but we know what's going to happen. The only place I'll allow myself to get out before then is this frozen yogurt place. 150 calories for a whole bowl + whatever calories of strawberries = full stomach + happiness.

I hope you guys are doing well! Despite a few shortcomings, I'm feeling good.

07202010

Yesterday and today haven't been that great but I'm pleased to say that I haven't felt the urge to purge. My friend, I love her, but she loves to eat (although she's in pretty terrific shape). I ate half an ice cream cone and a whole chicken sandwich + fries. Before that, the day was good but it's whatever. I ate because it made my friend happy. She's been very unhappy with my eating habits but I love her enough to eat for her. I only get to see her once every year or so.

Tomorrow I'm heading towards Illinois and I thought that I'd be able to study and eat yogurt in peace but my friend has told one of her friends that I'm coming to town. She wants to get dinner with me. Like, every day.

I'm going to refuse and say that I'm busy with school. Which is true because it's a library school boot camp. I'm excited to be to busy to eat. Lots of walking as well.

The truth is that I do want to eat though. I worry about what will happen if I ever reach my goal (which, at the rate I'm going is... hmm..). I don't want to eat nothing and then gain 10 or so or more back because I'm eating again. I want to eat healthier but at the moment, I can care enough to wonder too much about it. I'm too busy.

I'm going to go browse around and read everyone's posts now.

:)

07172010

I made it to my friend's place!

Honestly, it's only been the first day but I think it'll be alright. Her mom has accepted that I eat healthily so she hasn't been pushing food on me and she accepts that I won't eat all the things that they eat (so far, I've only see fat and sugar while browsing through their kitchen). Yesterday, I ate yogurt and half a chicken kabob (with some liquor on the side...). Insanity. I'd never be able to get away with that at home.

And I've come to the conclusion that I when I eat all the craziness that I do when I'm at home, it's due to habit. I'm hoping to break some (or most) of my habits while I'm here.

I definitely have internet here so I'll be sure to post while being incognito about it. I'll let you know how day 2 goes tonight (or tomorrow morning if there's binge drinking involve. I never knew how much this girl drank until hanging out with her yesterday).

Good luck guys!

07142010

I'm feel pretty good these days. I can tell that I've lost weight by the relieved sigh my jeans are giving off while I wear them (well, most of them, anyway). I did have a set back with a donut today (my most recent weakness) but it wasn't the whole box and I didn't spurge so I feel alright with what I had. Not perfect, but it's progress, at least! Honestly, what's really stopping my from going to the donut shop every hour are the employees. I think they recognize me now so I don't want to be known as the fat ass that comes by every day, every hour for a donut.

And I'm supposed to be saving money. That thought kind of helps (not really).

I'm a little irritated by my coworkers. The gossipy nature of women and the pure hatred that they have for everyone that's a little "off" in their minds is making me back off. Apparently women aren't supposed to divorce their husbands, women should be marrying their boyfriends as soon as possible and having a million babies, men are supposed to be "perfect" or else they should be ripped to shreds.

Office stress, man. I work with older women and two random guys. The women and the guys are my boss' yesmen. I just hang in the background, away from the gossip, eating.

I don't know how much they like that.

Whatever.

So yeah! I'm really excited to get out of here for two weeks! I've been hanging around the library too long. Who knew that libraries would have so much inner insanity?

Hopefully, I'll come back 5-10 pounds lighter with luck and they can transfer all their negativeness to me (it actually makes me work harder...and at least they'll shut up around me). There was a time that they'd talk about my eating habits but now, three of them are all about this "hardcore" diet (1/2 orange in the morning with 2 eggs, fruit, and skinless chicken). I'm really interested in how long they last.

07132010

I had to start over.

I've been a wreck this past month. It almost felt like all the previous posts that I had were hanging around me and I couldn't move on. A little silly, maybe but I want to start anew and be happy about it. I have to admit, I do feel a little relieved.

The plan at the moment is the restrict as much as possible without b/ping. My dad has been giving me massive amounts of gum (apparently his store throws them out WAY before the expiration date). Cool. I've been chewing gum like mad. A typical day looks like breakfast - some sort of fruit, lunch - yogurt, dinner - whatever. The dinner part is what I need to work on. I'm constantly being tempted by my parents cooking but that needs to stop.

Also, I've been c/sing sweets like mad. That also needs to stop. With c&s, you do swallow some of what you chew, depending on how much self control you have. Things like pastries worked well but chocolate was a death wish since it's impossible to stop the avalanche of melted chocolate sliding down your throat. I'm sorry if this is triggering to anyone. Let me know if it is and I'll block some things out. Actually, let me go ahead and do that...

The thing that sucks about me starting over is that I'll be leaving on Friday for my graduate school orientation. Plus a visit with a friend for about 5 days before the orientation begins. My plan with my friend is to only eat around her and to order salads and things whenever we eat out. That's actually been my plan now; eating only when I'm around people (except for my guilty donut runs...). I've also been drinking a lot of sparkling water. It doesn't have caffeine in it so I don't think it'll dehydrate me (please let me know if I'm wrong).

At any rate.. I'll do an official weigh-in when I come back from my vacation/orientation. That'll be on August 2nd. It'll be alright, I'll have my laptop with me so I'll be able to post while I'm away. I also need to start commenting again. This little vacation of mine ruined me, I swear. I have BALLOONED and I want to feel good in my skinny jeans again.

I feel so shallow.

I hope everyone is doing well :)