Sunday is Funday

Things have been pretty decent lately. Apparently heartache helps to lose weight because I've been steadily losing. I've already lost my goal weight for this week but I'll keep going. I mean, I've got to lose as fast as possible before the wedding. But then I think and remember that I'm talking craziness because I still need to look somewhat alright in my bridesmaid dress. I think it'll be ok though. I highly doubt that the dress is going to be hanging off me.

Highlight for this week: I have a friend from Mass. coming to visit! She and I were roommates in my sophomore year of college. Big mistake. I couldn't stand her for that entire year. She doesn't know that, however, and all was well when I ditched her the next year and lived by myself.

At any rate, she's been dieting. After an incident that happened at university which ended with her fleeing the state, she's been gaining weight like insanity. Apparently, the only things her social group in Mass. like to do is eat and drink. She's always known that she was gaining weight but she didn't decide to do anything until recently. She's lost almost 30 pounds in 2 months so far. J, as I'll dub her, as been confiding in me about her diet plan and it's borderline unhealthy. You know how it is. People try to lose weight as fast as they can, knowing that eating less food will help them reach their goal weight.

I'm not saying anything about it, however. She doesn't have an eating disorder. She craves all the unhealthiness that she could have before and apparently, the first thing she wants to do when she sees me is eat. Great. But she chose a steakhouse so I can use my power of vegetarian as an excuse not to chow the fuck down. Also, another issue is that she hasn't seen me in two years. I don't think she realizes how much weight I've actually lost since the last time we've seen each other. This might trigger a competitive edge in her but again, we'll have to see.

Besides that... my eating as been up and down. I'm feeling a little depressed lately so I've been sleeping a lot more now and sleeping through dinner. When I wake up and realize this, I feel happy for a moment until I get depressed at the thought that I have to get at that state in order not to overeat. My parents are worried. They'll randomly come by to see how I'm doing without saying that that's what they're doing. My mom wants to go shopping with me, she asks me how the gym was... it's very surreal.

And again, it makes me depressed that I have to be in this state in order for them to want to do this with me.

Hmm... My goals for this week is to finish my assignments and reading, practice my Japanese, and keep in touch with people.

I broke up with L.

It wasn't because of anything my mother said about him, I guess it was more that the end had been drawing near without me wanting to deal with it. L's a nice guy but he was too desperate to have me. But I think, for him, it was too much work to keep me that he stopped trying to do standard things, even if he wanted to. Why did I have to be the one who worried about what he was going to do for the future when he didn't seem to be making his life move? Why did I have to coach him into doing things and why did I become his personal Google search database? Why couldn't he deal with his life without being so dependent about what I thought about everything?

My mom said it was because I was too smart.

Speaking of her, ever since she found that I was breaking up with him or that I broke up with him, it seems her stance has changed. She keeps moaning about how I "broke his heart" or that "he was soooo nice" or that "You didn't give him a chance." Funny, huh?

I really didn't care about the negative things she said about him before but why, when we're no longer together, did she have to suddenly be his #1 fan? I don't want her to tell me "Good job" or "You're totally awesome!" I want her to tell me that everything is going to be alright and that it wasn't my fault. Better yet, I would rather her say nothing.

Is that too much to ask? Why do I have to feel worse about breaking up with him?

Please, just leave me alone. That's really all I want for now.

some foods can be delicious w/ alfalfa.

I had to go to a jury duty summons today. It was pretty horrid. Basically, they told all 85 of us to come in at 8:30 in the morning but then neglected to tell us that there was already a trial in session in the court room we were supposed to be in. So for about 3 hours, everyone just kinda sat in another room, twiddling our thumbs. I, on the other hand, finished an entire book from start to finish (Still Missing. Worth the read.). So when they finally call us on to the actual court room, we spend another two hours waiting for our names to be called in order for us to be asked irrelevant questions (Ok, so maybe some of them maaaay have been a tad bit relevant for the case...).

I didn't get chosen.

An entire day, wasted...

On the bright side: I got to miss work (with pay!) and read for leisure!

Food intake for the day, cereal w/ milk, almonds, and a 180 calorie cheese, tomato, and alfalfa sprout sandwich. Delicious.

I also worked out for almost 3 hours today because of stress. My body aches. Feels good~

My mom has apparently been feeling guilty. She's been refusing to cook me anything because she claims to not be able to cook anything without meat. Oookay. Cool with me. But she is apparently feeling remorse. I think she's being ridiculous but she bought me a whole jar of kimchi. I guess I have to eat it now. I just have to figure out how to incorporate it as a side to my week of alfalfa sprout meals (it adds an extra kick, kind of like bean sprouts...).

Kimchi goes great with rice but I'm trying to avoid rice. Maybe I'll cave and eat it one day this week. But I have to remember not to overdo it because Friday is beach day (FINALLY!).

Good luck everyone~

Fuck popcorn. Fuck chocolate.

I have a weakness for popcorn.

There was a festival happening in my town on Saturday. I had planned on going but once I saw the dark ominous clouds in the sky, I decided that the festival was going to have to wait. So what did I do? I went to the movies. I had planned on getting no snacks but then the ticket guy slipped me a coupon for 3 bucks off whatever.

You know where this is going...

I bought a large popcorn. I ate the whole thing and purged it.

God. Damn. It.

Well in other news. I only have to lose 1 more pound this weak and I'll make my goal. How did I lose so fast? Beats me. I do know how I gained weight back so fast however. Chocolate. You think you have control but once you give chocolate a chance, it controls you.

Wisdom for the week.

Another pound down

Snacking has lessened a bit but I'm still snacking too much before bed. My new obsessions are almonds and gum. Almonds are good for you but I need to make sure I predetermine how much I'm going to eat before I start eating them. Otherwise, I can't stop myself because they're SO good! Gum on the other hand... I gorge on it. Sure they have like 5-10 calories per stick (depending on what flavor I can get) but I chew 2-3 sticks at once. Horrible. And I can't stand it when the flavor is lost so I keep repeating through the day.

I think I'm going to quit with the gum for a while (although... I have a whole bag of them...).

It's horrible but I've been obsessed (common for me) with my ex's girlfriend. It's weird because I don't go on facebook to look at his page but mostly to look at her page. Because she's trying to lose weight. In the beginning, before they started dating and then during the beginning of their relationship, she was a pretty average weight. Then they moved to Texas and she must have gained like 60-70 pounds.

Now she's trying to lose it and I can't help but watch her progress and compare her weightloss with mine (she likes to update about it extensively). I get into a panic when she posts pictures up that show off her obvious weightloss. I think to myself, "I CAN'T become fatter than her!" And so I double my workouts and eat less.

This isn't a healthy thought process but it's motivation.

I start a pilates class next Wednesday! I hope it's worth the $40 for the intro class.

Good luck guys!

something to say yay about

I think this new way of thinking (day starts @ dinner) is working. According to the scale, I've lost 3 pounds! But this wasn't an easy reading to get. The first reading said I maintained, but then I moved the scale around so that it was level and then it said I lost 3 pounds. I must have weighed myself 10 times and moved the scale constantly before I was content with it's answer. My scale is weird like that. I can't trust it unless I weight myself on it at least 10 times.

There's no telling why thinking that dinner is the beginning of the day works. It does make me eat less.

One thing that still gets me is my constant nighttime snacking. Sure, most of what I ate was fruit but I don't need to be eating so late at night! I think I must have been eating until about 20 minutes before I went to bed. Madness.

Also, I've been working out like a maniac. Except for this morning. I'm sore EVERYWHERE.

Side note - I get the feeling that my mom doesn't want me to continue dating L. She says she likes him but she feels like I could do better. Sure, maybe I could but I don't really feel like breaking up with him to marry a sucessful asshole. Sure, I wish that L would be a little more competent in certain parts of his life but he doesn't make me unhappy. I know that I will never be with anyone else who loves me as much as he does.

Is this a problem?

titles; let's make use of them

I'm feeling oddly optimistic about life. This feel is odder when you realize that it hasn't been even five minutes since the last time I purged. Purging and I have an odd relationship. I don't constantly have the feel to purge after I eat, even if I eat large amount. It just sort of comes at me randomly. Like 6 minutes ago, when I ate some pita chips and red pepper humus and decided that it would be a good idea to get rid of it all.

Despite that, I seem to have purged bad feelings away as well.

I don't know. Let me be weird today.

So there we go. I'm against purging constantly but I'm not against doing it once in a while. Like many people around these parts, I'm a fan of restricting so that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to give myself binge and/or purge days because that leads to failure. I'm going to do my best to avoid it. I really do work best doing things at the spur of the moment so I feel good.

Also, I finished reading Wintergirls and the main character had a rule somewhere in the middle of the book where she gave herself a set number of calories per day but had her days start at dinner. I read that and almost gasped. It seemed brilliant, despite the depressing nature of the book. I must be really messed up if I'm willing to take advice from a rather destructive character.

By the way, I highly recommend Wintergirls. It was a brilliant novel that I found in the teen section of Barnes and Noble.

And now, my goals for the rest of the year:

- 09/18 - Beach trip; -4 lbs 143

- 09/19 - Wedding; -1 lbs 142

- 10/02 - Baby Shower; -1 lb

- 10/15-17 - School trip; -4 lbs

- 10/31 - Halloween; -4 lbs

So I guess I want to lose 14 pounds by Halloween? Nice. Max 500-800 cals per day. Up to 1000 cals on Saturdays OR Sundays. Plan accordingly.

Now I have to fit in work out times, homework times, Japanese study times, class times and I'll be set.

Wish me luck and good luck to you guys!

[EDIT: I'll edit in weights randomly as I go...]