some foods can be delicious w/ alfalfa.

I had to go to a jury duty summons today. It was pretty horrid. Basically, they told all 85 of us to come in at 8:30 in the morning but then neglected to tell us that there was already a trial in session in the court room we were supposed to be in. So for about 3 hours, everyone just kinda sat in another room, twiddling our thumbs. I, on the other hand, finished an entire book from start to finish (Still Missing. Worth the read.). So when they finally call us on to the actual court room, we spend another two hours waiting for our names to be called in order for us to be asked irrelevant questions (Ok, so maybe some of them maaaay have been a tad bit relevant for the case...).

I didn't get chosen.

An entire day, wasted...

On the bright side: I got to miss work (with pay!) and read for leisure!

Food intake for the day, cereal w/ milk, almonds, and a 180 calorie cheese, tomato, and alfalfa sprout sandwich. Delicious.

I also worked out for almost 3 hours today because of stress. My body aches. Feels good~

My mom has apparently been feeling guilty. She's been refusing to cook me anything because she claims to not be able to cook anything without meat. Oookay. Cool with me. But she is apparently feeling remorse. I think she's being ridiculous but she bought me a whole jar of kimchi. I guess I have to eat it now. I just have to figure out how to incorporate it as a side to my week of alfalfa sprout meals (it adds an extra kick, kind of like bean sprouts...).

Kimchi goes great with rice but I'm trying to avoid rice. Maybe I'll cave and eat it one day this week. But I have to remember not to overdo it because Friday is beach day (FINALLY!).

Good luck everyone~

Fuck popcorn. Fuck chocolate.

I have a weakness for popcorn.

There was a festival happening in my town on Saturday. I had planned on going but once I saw the dark ominous clouds in the sky, I decided that the festival was going to have to wait. So what did I do? I went to the movies. I had planned on getting no snacks but then the ticket guy slipped me a coupon for 3 bucks off whatever.

You know where this is going...

I bought a large popcorn. I ate the whole thing and purged it.

God. Damn. It.

Well in other news. I only have to lose 1 more pound this weak and I'll make my goal. How did I lose so fast? Beats me. I do know how I gained weight back so fast however. Chocolate. You think you have control but once you give chocolate a chance, it controls you.

Wisdom for the week.

Another pound down

Snacking has lessened a bit but I'm still snacking too much before bed. My new obsessions are almonds and gum. Almonds are good for you but I need to make sure I predetermine how much I'm going to eat before I start eating them. Otherwise, I can't stop myself because they're SO good! Gum on the other hand... I gorge on it. Sure they have like 5-10 calories per stick (depending on what flavor I can get) but I chew 2-3 sticks at once. Horrible. And I can't stand it when the flavor is lost so I keep repeating through the day.

I think I'm going to quit with the gum for a while (although... I have a whole bag of them...).

It's horrible but I've been obsessed (common for me) with my ex's girlfriend. It's weird because I don't go on facebook to look at his page but mostly to look at her page. Because she's trying to lose weight. In the beginning, before they started dating and then during the beginning of their relationship, she was a pretty average weight. Then they moved to Texas and she must have gained like 60-70 pounds.

Now she's trying to lose it and I can't help but watch her progress and compare her weightloss with mine (she likes to update about it extensively). I get into a panic when she posts pictures up that show off her obvious weightloss. I think to myself, "I CAN'T become fatter than her!" And so I double my workouts and eat less.

This isn't a healthy thought process but it's motivation.

I start a pilates class next Wednesday! I hope it's worth the $40 for the intro class.

Good luck guys!

something to say yay about

I think this new way of thinking (day starts @ dinner) is working. According to the scale, I've lost 3 pounds! But this wasn't an easy reading to get. The first reading said I maintained, but then I moved the scale around so that it was level and then it said I lost 3 pounds. I must have weighed myself 10 times and moved the scale constantly before I was content with it's answer. My scale is weird like that. I can't trust it unless I weight myself on it at least 10 times.

There's no telling why thinking that dinner is the beginning of the day works. It does make me eat less.

One thing that still gets me is my constant nighttime snacking. Sure, most of what I ate was fruit but I don't need to be eating so late at night! I think I must have been eating until about 20 minutes before I went to bed. Madness.

Also, I've been working out like a maniac. Except for this morning. I'm sore EVERYWHERE.

Side note - I get the feeling that my mom doesn't want me to continue dating L. She says she likes him but she feels like I could do better. Sure, maybe I could but I don't really feel like breaking up with him to marry a sucessful asshole. Sure, I wish that L would be a little more competent in certain parts of his life but he doesn't make me unhappy. I know that I will never be with anyone else who loves me as much as he does.

Is this a problem?

titles; let's make use of them

I'm feeling oddly optimistic about life. This feel is odder when you realize that it hasn't been even five minutes since the last time I purged. Purging and I have an odd relationship. I don't constantly have the feel to purge after I eat, even if I eat large amount. It just sort of comes at me randomly. Like 6 minutes ago, when I ate some pita chips and red pepper humus and decided that it would be a good idea to get rid of it all.

Despite that, I seem to have purged bad feelings away as well.

I don't know. Let me be weird today.

So there we go. I'm against purging constantly but I'm not against doing it once in a while. Like many people around these parts, I'm a fan of restricting so that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to give myself binge and/or purge days because that leads to failure. I'm going to do my best to avoid it. I really do work best doing things at the spur of the moment so I feel good.

Also, I finished reading Wintergirls and the main character had a rule somewhere in the middle of the book where she gave herself a set number of calories per day but had her days start at dinner. I read that and almost gasped. It seemed brilliant, despite the depressing nature of the book. I must be really messed up if I'm willing to take advice from a rather destructive character.

By the way, I highly recommend Wintergirls. It was a brilliant novel that I found in the teen section of Barnes and Noble.

And now, my goals for the rest of the year:

- 09/18 - Beach trip; -4 lbs 143

- 09/19 - Wedding; -1 lbs 142

- 10/02 - Baby Shower; -1 lb

- 10/15-17 - School trip; -4 lbs

- 10/31 - Halloween; -4 lbs

So I guess I want to lose 14 pounds by Halloween? Nice. Max 500-800 cals per day. Up to 1000 cals on Saturdays OR Sundays. Plan accordingly.

Now I have to fit in work out times, homework times, Japanese study times, class times and I'll be set.

Wish me luck and good luck to you guys!

[EDIT: I'll edit in weights randomly as I go...]

082510

Where to start?

I haven't been doing terribly. I haven't been working at losing either. Instead, I've kind of been hanging out in this limbo phase where I'm maintaining and getting no where. The desire is there but I haven't been pushing myself. My plan was to wake up at 615 or 630 every morning before work and then work out after work for about an hour or so. That obviously hasn't been happening.

BUT!

My boss called me into her office to tell me that she was concerned about me because I was constantly being late for work and she hoped that everything was alright. This translates to 'AUDEN. Get yourself to work ON TIME or else we're going to FIRE your FAT ASS and never look back."

So this will give me motivation to wake up at 615 and start working out. Doing this actually helps me to get to work on time. Seriously, I've been getting up five til whenever I'm supposed to get to work and I've consistently been late to work for the past month. I'm surprised that it took her this long to grill me about it.

I've been in a i-dont-care mood and I'm ready to get out of it. Thanks boss.

So here's the plan...
Breakfast - up to 100 calories (I just bought BOXES of Vitatops (100 cals). They're nutritious and delicious!)
Lunch - up to 200 calories (Mostly yogurt, fruit, maybe half a sandwich)
Dinner - Up to 300 calories (This is where I'll try to have my protein and veggies.)

But seriously, food is interchangeable as long as it fits into the calorie range. If I actually start working out properly, maybe I'll be able to up my intake but we'll see. I'll let Saturday or Sunday be a free day (up to 1000 calories).

Hmm... that's it. Oh! I started school yesterday! So my stress level is pretty much UP. YES!

08032010

I'm back!... since Sunday. And 5 pounds lighter.

I really expect for me to gain again because being at home is one giant temptation balled up into one house. Interestingly, we don't have sweets in the house. We have lots of fruit and salty things and I find myself gorging on them. We also have lots of sweet shops around here. I've already caved and went to one. I did find that I wasn't enjoying myself though.

The only good thing from all of this is that I find that my chocolate obsession has literally vanished.

So things that I need to remember: 1) I have no money. I need to save. No more random food purchases, 2) I need to work out since I can't walk 2 hours a day anymore (which is probably the only reason I lost any weight these last two weeks), 3) I'm a bride's maid in September. Motivation!

My mom's birthday is this Saturday too. My plan is to eat around 500 cals a day until then. Saturday and maybe Sunday will be my free day. I hope not though. I really want to keep restricting on Sunday. However, the boyfriend will be in town that day. I don't think he'll allow me to not eat.

Hmm... That's it. Back to work.