Day 1//Vegan Week

Today wasn't a failure. Well, totally. I did have a vegan day (YES) but I ate way too much. The knowledge that Oreos are vegan is ridiculous. I'm going to cross those off my list forever. I'm glad that I got my fill of them today because that just means I won't want them later. Yay, I guess.

Since I was able to go full on vegan without wavering, tomorrow I'll add in the restriction aspect of my most diabolical plan. I've been doing some thinking and I really don't dislike veganism. It forces me to eat healthier, for one thing, and I do kind of like it. Maybe I'll have mostly vegan days after this week and then a couple of non vegan days shoved in (2 a week.). I think this will give me good practice until the New Year.

Tomorrow is as follows:

Breakfast - Diet Sierra Mist (0 cal)

Lunch - 1 pear (96 cal) + 1 apple cinnamon rice cake (50 cal)

Dinner - 1 cup mushroom (15 cal), 1 cup broccoli (30 cal), 1 cup onion (48 cal), tofu (117 cal)

Total... 356.

Kind of low. I'll allow myself a 120 cal banana if I get hungry after dinner.

Maybe I'm going about this all wrong but I guess we'll know soon enough. I don't want to eat for the sake of eating, which has been my life so far.

soon after; another post?

My problem is that I freak myself out every time I lose weight. I WANT lose weight but every time I approach the 130s, I start binging like crazy and gain weight like I'm some kind of fucked marathon eater.

What is it? Why do I do this?

Is it because I can clearly see grotesque bones on my chest (which, honestly, I love)?

Is it because the closer I get to the 130s, the more people start talking (I have a lot of muscle weight so I look smaller than I weigh but who gives a shit?)?

Clothes? I do hate buying new clothes (unless they're in a smaller size).

Whatever it is, it's done. I'm over it. When New Year comes, I'll be the most hardcore vegan I know (Um, I'll elaborate later). I turn 24 next year, I think it's time. I need to celebrate my birthday (I don't know why I'm mentioning this now) with a low low new weight.

My friends like to feed me but I'm just going to have to start saying no and eating half a portion. Until vegan comes and then I'll refuse everything.

It's awful that I'm using veganism as an excuse not to eat crap but whatever, I can't care anymore.

It's been pretty horrible lately. Well, I've been pretty horrible. The entire month of October was a binging month and remember doesn't seem to be doing any better. However, I managed to control my eating yesterday besides the dinner I promised my friend I'd eat. I know it's possible for me. I just need to do it. And blogging is a chore some times. I know it helps but then I abandon it for weeks or months at a time. But right now, as I type this out, I feel pretty good. Blogging suddenly feel hopeful.

I'm starting a vegan week. From Monday through Friday... Ok, Sunday, I'll be vegan. Mostly to cleanse myself of all the horribleness I've been eating the past month and a half.

Good luck to me?

I also need to do lots of homework. Grad school sucks, just to let you know. But on a positive note (since this whole post is such a drag), it's almost over? I can finally devote a ridiculous amount of time to working out and shrinking my bod! I'll put up a calendar of events soon. To help me organize.

I'm a surprisingly unorganized person for being in library school. Christ.

Sunday is Funday

Things have been pretty decent lately. Apparently heartache helps to lose weight because I've been steadily losing. I've already lost my goal weight for this week but I'll keep going. I mean, I've got to lose as fast as possible before the wedding. But then I think and remember that I'm talking craziness because I still need to look somewhat alright in my bridesmaid dress. I think it'll be ok though. I highly doubt that the dress is going to be hanging off me.

Highlight for this week: I have a friend from Mass. coming to visit! She and I were roommates in my sophomore year of college. Big mistake. I couldn't stand her for that entire year. She doesn't know that, however, and all was well when I ditched her the next year and lived by myself.

At any rate, she's been dieting. After an incident that happened at university which ended with her fleeing the state, she's been gaining weight like insanity. Apparently, the only things her social group in Mass. like to do is eat and drink. She's always known that she was gaining weight but she didn't decide to do anything until recently. She's lost almost 30 pounds in 2 months so far. J, as I'll dub her, as been confiding in me about her diet plan and it's borderline unhealthy. You know how it is. People try to lose weight as fast as they can, knowing that eating less food will help them reach their goal weight.

I'm not saying anything about it, however. She doesn't have an eating disorder. She craves all the unhealthiness that she could have before and apparently, the first thing she wants to do when she sees me is eat. Great. But she chose a steakhouse so I can use my power of vegetarian as an excuse not to chow the fuck down. Also, another issue is that she hasn't seen me in two years. I don't think she realizes how much weight I've actually lost since the last time we've seen each other. This might trigger a competitive edge in her but again, we'll have to see.

Besides that... my eating as been up and down. I'm feeling a little depressed lately so I've been sleeping a lot more now and sleeping through dinner. When I wake up and realize this, I feel happy for a moment until I get depressed at the thought that I have to get at that state in order not to overeat. My parents are worried. They'll randomly come by to see how I'm doing without saying that that's what they're doing. My mom wants to go shopping with me, she asks me how the gym was... it's very surreal.

And again, it makes me depressed that I have to be in this state in order for them to want to do this with me.

Hmm... My goals for this week is to finish my assignments and reading, practice my Japanese, and keep in touch with people.

I broke up with L.

It wasn't because of anything my mother said about him, I guess it was more that the end had been drawing near without me wanting to deal with it. L's a nice guy but he was too desperate to have me. But I think, for him, it was too much work to keep me that he stopped trying to do standard things, even if he wanted to. Why did I have to be the one who worried about what he was going to do for the future when he didn't seem to be making his life move? Why did I have to coach him into doing things and why did I become his personal Google search database? Why couldn't he deal with his life without being so dependent about what I thought about everything?

My mom said it was because I was too smart.

Speaking of her, ever since she found that I was breaking up with him or that I broke up with him, it seems her stance has changed. She keeps moaning about how I "broke his heart" or that "he was soooo nice" or that "You didn't give him a chance." Funny, huh?

I really didn't care about the negative things she said about him before but why, when we're no longer together, did she have to suddenly be his #1 fan? I don't want her to tell me "Good job" or "You're totally awesome!" I want her to tell me that everything is going to be alright and that it wasn't my fault. Better yet, I would rather her say nothing.

Is that too much to ask? Why do I have to feel worse about breaking up with him?

Please, just leave me alone. That's really all I want for now.

some foods can be delicious w/ alfalfa.

I had to go to a jury duty summons today. It was pretty horrid. Basically, they told all 85 of us to come in at 8:30 in the morning but then neglected to tell us that there was already a trial in session in the court room we were supposed to be in. So for about 3 hours, everyone just kinda sat in another room, twiddling our thumbs. I, on the other hand, finished an entire book from start to finish (Still Missing. Worth the read.). So when they finally call us on to the actual court room, we spend another two hours waiting for our names to be called in order for us to be asked irrelevant questions (Ok, so maybe some of them maaaay have been a tad bit relevant for the case...).

I didn't get chosen.

An entire day, wasted...

On the bright side: I got to miss work (with pay!) and read for leisure!

Food intake for the day, cereal w/ milk, almonds, and a 180 calorie cheese, tomato, and alfalfa sprout sandwich. Delicious.

I also worked out for almost 3 hours today because of stress. My body aches. Feels good~

My mom has apparently been feeling guilty. She's been refusing to cook me anything because she claims to not be able to cook anything without meat. Oookay. Cool with me. But she is apparently feeling remorse. I think she's being ridiculous but she bought me a whole jar of kimchi. I guess I have to eat it now. I just have to figure out how to incorporate it as a side to my week of alfalfa sprout meals (it adds an extra kick, kind of like bean sprouts...).

Kimchi goes great with rice but I'm trying to avoid rice. Maybe I'll cave and eat it one day this week. But I have to remember not to overdo it because Friday is beach day (FINALLY!).

Good luck everyone~

Fuck popcorn. Fuck chocolate.

I have a weakness for popcorn.

There was a festival happening in my town on Saturday. I had planned on going but once I saw the dark ominous clouds in the sky, I decided that the festival was going to have to wait. So what did I do? I went to the movies. I had planned on getting no snacks but then the ticket guy slipped me a coupon for 3 bucks off whatever.

You know where this is going...

I bought a large popcorn. I ate the whole thing and purged it.

God. Damn. It.

Well in other news. I only have to lose 1 more pound this weak and I'll make my goal. How did I lose so fast? Beats me. I do know how I gained weight back so fast however. Chocolate. You think you have control but once you give chocolate a chance, it controls you.

Wisdom for the week.